Offensively Tight Pants

I forget exactly how it came up in my class, but I somehow managed to make an analogy in reference to David Bowie’s extra-super-special tight pants in the movie Labyrinth. I then proceeded to feel extra old when the kids inquired about two things: a) Who is David Bowie, and b) Labyrinth?

Since we’re not allowed to have the internet in the classroom (did I mention I teach in a jail?) I tried our computer’s offline encyclopedia and lo and behold, a small, four sentence paragraph appeared describing Bowie as a glam-rock artist most famous in the 1970’s. To accompany this paragraph, there was also a clip of the song Changes. Upon playing said clip, not one, not two, but three juvie girls, in unison, squealed,

“OH MY GOD! Lindsay Lohan!”

Insert my look of disgust and confusion.

Apparently the little crybaby (Ha! Get it? Cause she’s trying to sue for being compared to a baby? Yes? No? Sigh.) did a cover of his song in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and although I haven’t seen (and will not see) this movie, my Spidey-senses tell me it’s a piece of drivel which surprisingly foreshadowed Lohan’s rise to the top of the drama-queen-skank-with-no-panties-on pile. I will, however, give the bitch props, because I’m absolutely certain she can drink you or I under the proverbial table.

So, there you go. My childhood classics have been somehow reduced to covers performed lip-synced by amazingly horrid actresses/singers. How am I supposed to educated the criminals leaders of tomorrow if the students can’t understand my extended metaphors relating life to a timeless muppet-filled movie?

And seriously, we need more men prancing around in painted on riding pants shaking their junk to the music.

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~ by Andrea on March 21, 2010.

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