Douchebag Numero Deux

As a recap, in case you missed yesterdays episode of DOUCHEBAG EPIDEMIC here at BadKidsGoodGrammar, please refer to this post in order to bring you to speed: Dance Floor Douche Bag

Next on my list of very memorable douchey people would be Cranky Asshat at the Grocery Store.


Grumpy Old Man

One my list of least favourite things to do is to go to the grocery store on a Saturday morning. I won’t get into it, but I do feel that some people need to be licensed to get behind the handle of a shopping cart. Enough said.

After picking up my three items that I needed, I stood in line in the 10-items-or-less aisle. It was incredibly busy and there were about 5 people in front of me, three of whom were small, traditionally dressed, older Muslim women. To someone who isn’t a douchebag, it was quite obvious they were paying for three different orders. One lady had some of her purchases in her arms, and the other two quite clearly had their items separated between the two tiers of the shopping cart. All three of them had out their wallets, cash or debit cards in their hands.

As we’re waiting, the line behind me grows by about six or seven more people.

Enter the Cranky Asshat Douchebag: A grumpy old man (the resemblance to Dana Carvey’s grumpy old man above was UNCANNY) decides that come hell or high water, he was moving on up to the front of the line. As the person in front of the Muslim ladies was finishing up their order, grumpy old man, loaf of bread and can of beans in hand, mumbles something along the lines of, “Tarnation, must not read English real good, says ten items or less.” Grumble, grumble, grumble. The man has the nerve to walk in front of not just these three ladies, again OBVIOUSLY separate-paying customers, but also in front of the now seven other people behind them.

I don’t claim to be a cultural genius, but I know and have worked with enough people from many different cultures to know that older, more traditional Muslim women don’t tend to speak to men outside their family, apart from making business transactions, etc, let alone would they normally express their displeasure with this ridiculous grumpy old man. I’m not trying to play the hero or some shit, but you know what? I was in just as much of a hurry as that douchebag, and something had to be said.

Me: Excuse me, sir? Sir? (I raise my voice, cause he’s old ‘n shit) SIR?

Grumpy Old Man: Hrumph. Hrumph. Sign says 10 items. Must not read English real good. Hrumph.

Me: (Deciding not to get into it with him over his inability to speak English real good) They’ve got three separate orders, and even if they don’t, you just cut in front of the three of them, plus the other seven people in line.

GOM: You, missy, you just better cool your jets. Hmph. Grumble. Ten items or less. Just cool your jets.

Me: Cool my jets? (I was being pretty calm, with a twist of obviously pissed off) You just cut in front of these three ladies and seven other people. They have three orders (I point at each lady). One. Two. Three.

GOM: (Dramatically dumping his bread and beans beside the aisle) You just cool your jets, young lady. You just watch. You’ll see. Grumble, grumble. You just wait and you see what’s what. Cool your jets. (Apparently that was the thing to say in 1974, which coincidentally was also the time from which his corduroy pants came from)

The Grumpy Old Man Douchebag walked away and the woman behind me clapped. No shit. Then the oldest of the little ladies in front of me turned, and ever-so quietly said, “Thank you.”

One more douchebag down, too many more to go.

Coming soon, the conclusion to The Douchebag Series: Douchebags on Parade!


~ by Andrea on April 28, 2010.

10 Responses to “Douchebag Numero Deux”

  1. Thank you for this story this morning! It made me laugh! What a great way to start out the day. First of all, LOVE your description of the cranky old man. I’m sure it was spot on. Second, you rock for standing up for everyone else in line!

  2. Ah crap I’m totally that guy. Only difference is I don’t do or say anything I just grind my teeth and look cranky. Also, I should mention that the guy in the picture is Dana Carvey, not Dana White. Although it would be funny to see Dana White in that outfit.

  3. Superb!!

  4. You get a standing ovation from me for that one!

  5. […] old men SUCK. […]

  6. I love this story. Ill never forget the time we were walking down Young Street downtown TDOT and you kicked the shit out of that car that almost hit us.

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