My Ass Needs to Shift Out of Neutral


Here it goes.

Here it is. The a-typical girl blog about how I need to lose some chunk off my butt.

I don’t care. Like all other things in my life, I just need to write it down. I live my life according to the lists and notes I write for myself. If I don’t write it down, it’s like it doesn’t exist. So I’m writing this down:

To Do
Lose five pounds, bitch!

It’s more like ten, but I’m not going to strive to overachieve here. Truly, I don’t want a miracle. I just want to fit into my summer clothes, preferably by the time July rolls around. I’m not going for Subway Jared style weight-loss, I just need to put down the muffins in order to lose my muffintop. I’m thinking that my trip to Toronto probably didn’t help in my endeavour. Although there were some bedroom calories burned (I, of course, mean jumping on the bed-my parents read this after all) I’m reasonably certain that they did not negate the close to 3000 calories I consumed in just about 36 hours.

But I digress.

The biggest issue I face is that hateful, god damned commute I put myself through five days a week. Working an eight hour a day job is cake. Adding nearly three hours in my car on top of it makes me fucking fat. The reality of the situation is I end up eating nasty but oh so tasty and convenient fast food while driving. I’d like to think that at the end of the day I would be raring to go for a nice stroll through my neighbourhood, checking out all the lovely ladies in their pajama bottoms and Crocs, and men in their Iron Maiden t-shirts picking up groceries at the Shoppers Drugmart, but any sort of physical activity, short of lifting a beer to my parched lips, makes my head hurt after the drive from hell.

Tasty Tasty Tapeworms! Parasites are YUMMY!

So, what’s a girl to do? I’m thinking number one, I need to clean my car, and clean it well (it is actually time for my bi-annual purge of the Accent). Then I need to implement a NO FUCKING FOOD FATSO rule for the Hyundai. Tea in the morning will still be permissible, as without a cuppa tea in the morn’ I’m very likely to end up in the “big” jail as I will likely murder someone from my “little” jail. Secondly, I need to find time to walk in my days. I wish I could say I have the willpower to make myself go after work, but I’m not going to set myself up fail. If I start eating a decent breakfast when I get to work (one of the benefits of working in the jail: readily available breakfast foods and a kitchen to boot!) and then going for a run/walk before my lunch, I think I can probably manage to drop five off my ass by July. Thirdly, I need to get off the cheeseburger train. Living by myself makes my desire to cook virtually disappear. Dairy Queen and all her colourful staff and patrons are just so easy and enticing to a single-living married lady such as myself. This needs to STOP. I’m moving away from Liz Lemon take-out binges to salads and canned fucking soup if that’s what it takes. Finally, I’ve considered giving myself a tapeworm. I hear those little bastards are hungry mother fuckers, and then I could scratch number three from my list.

There. It is written, so it is law.

Little Miss Bra

Good Bye Boobs! I'll miss you! Ass flab-fuck you and don't come back!

The only thing that sucks about all of this is that I’m one of those lucky gals who can gain a few extra pounds and have no one notice, since the first place it goes to is my boobs. Sadly, that’s also the first place it leaves, so saggy bras and tight pants here I come!

~ by Andrea on May 14, 2010.

6 Responses to “My Ass Needs to Shift Out of Neutral”

  1. Pfff…you Canadians and your references to weird restaurants and stores that no one has ever heard of. What the hell is a Sub-Way?

  2. Well leave it to us to name restaurants after things that you would call a fat person. That’s how we got into trouble and needed things like the Subway diet in the first place.

    If I can, you can too!
    Lately I have been going to the gym 3-4 times a week, and my snacking has been healthier too. Although I still DO have chips here and there (mmm, salty weakness). It’s ok now and then to have fast food, but just balancing it with other healthier things. Maybe you can join in with the crazy people in your neighbor hood and be one of those crazy people who take there cats on walks? LOL.

    But in all seriousness, I know you can do it. You look great either way though 🙂 *awww*

    • AHHH! My lil sissy 🙂 I know I can do it…I just need to lay off being lazy and actually put the effort in!!! And I’m all for the occasional snack. I think it’s unrealistic to cut out everything I love! I’m thinking I’ll go with the one fast foody meal per week (I might as well just say DQ cause FO SHO it’s going to be!!) and I just need to get my ass MOVING!

  4. I have a long commute, too. It makes the day so much longer. =(

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