Resume Exhibitionism 101

I have one month left of work.

Let me say that again.

I have one month left of work.

Normally, at this time of year I’m more ADHD than all my classes combined due to the pending summer break, but my holy shit factor is kind of on overload these days. As a teacher I’m paid until the end of August, but holy shit! No more job. No more jail house rocking. Well, at least not at my jail house. I’m pretty bummed about leaving to be quite honest. The little buggers grow on you after a while.

So here I am. Looking at my resume. I teach kids how to create resumes. How to sell themselves. How to stretch out their skills and experience, however meagre, and make them sound spectacular.

And I’m staring blankly at my overcrowded, unstreamlined two-pager with a big WTF. My conclusion is I’m too long-winded. I want to tell you, as a potential employer, every single great thing about me. I’m a resume exhibitionist. I’m the equivalent of a nude beach photo shoot. I want to show you EVERYTHING. Awwwwww yeaaaaah.

But I can’t. I can’t show you everything. My resume would be approximately seven pages long if I sat and rambled away like I do here on my little space on the interweb. I’ve taught at four different public schools and in those schools taught four very different courses. I’ve worked as an outreach youth worker, supporting kids attached to the social welfare and foster systems. I’ve taught, well jebus, what haven’t I taught at the jail?

Man, Mario was just wasted...

Six years ago if you told me I’d be teaching math to incarcerated youth, I’d have asked for a gram of the mushrooms you were tripping on. The courses and situations I’ve taught and worked in are all so different that I want to dedicate a full page to each!

Me in four months.

I’ve toyed with the idea of a functional style resume, as opposed to the chronological, so that I can emphasize my skills over my individual jobs, but I’m never satisfied with the functional. I still feel like I’m missing something when I read it over, like I’m not giving you enough of what you want to hear, when all I really want you to hear is HIRE ME! For the love of Pete, please someone HIRE ME.

So I think tonight I’m going back to the drawing board. I’m starting from scratch and I’m going to let my resume wizardry ride freely across the word processing page.

I do this for a living, it can’t be that hard, right?

Objective: FML…

Experience: I have. I want more.

Education: The streets foo’.

Interests and Activities: Burping, making inappropriate comments on the internet, fu-manchu style moustaches, not going to work because I’m playing World of Warcraft.

References: Encyclopedia Britannica

/cry

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~ by Andrea on May 27, 2010.

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