Vandelay Industries

It’s officially more than half past the month of August and I’m officially freaking out on the inside. It’s not yet seeped out to the surface, not in public anyway, that I’m terrified and mortified not to have a job lined up yet.

I think that a prolonged and continued dismissal of reality is just the ticket.


Like my role model, George Costanza, I think I shall embark on a fake career. Teaching is wonderful, but so limited to reality. Why not say a big SCREW YOU to the real world, and just do whatever the hell I want? My only limit is my imagination.

So, the question is, what to do? I think I need to start with things I love and work out from there.

1. Tea. I love me a good cuppa tea. Just milk. Orange Pekoe if you have it. I also enjoy Chai, green, ginger-lemon and more. Perhaps I shall now become a Multi-National Tea Buyer for Red Rose. I’m an importer-exporter, if you will.

My good friend Jayapradha the tea picker says Namaste!

2. Sleep. I’ve always loved the idea of being a mattress tester. Think of all the fun things you do on mattresses! No, that wasn’t the first thing on my mind you dirty bitches. I meant sleep testing. God. I could be a Nappability Expert for Serta.

The ratio of napability to tossy-turniness is a whopping 97:1!

3. Telling people what to do. I’m pretty sure this is a very plausible job opportunity for me. I call myself a Consultant and I tell people to stop being fucking idiots. They pay me big money. We all win.

Big money.

4. Judging others’ fashion choices. I have my own (lack) of fashion sense, but I know what makes you look like giant douchebag. I could be a Clothing Assessment Observe-and-Reporter. I’m not sure who I report to, but if you’re within earshot of my snarky remarks, chances are it’s you.

Stop. Just stop it, now.

So, what do you think? Any other creative fake jobs I can pretend to have on your mind? I’m also trying to think of a name for myself. I’m inexplicably (or fully explicably) drawn to the brand Marley5000.

I like it.


~ by Andrea on August 17, 2010.

17 Responses to “Vandelay Industries”

  1. Freelance Spellchecker for Twitter Feeds.

  2. If you come up with it, could you let me know?
    I currently have a film degree… which is in the trunk of my car… at least I think it is. Either way, the point is it’s not doin’ me a whole lot of good.
    I was thinking maybe a professional drinking contest competitor? I’m pretty good at holding my liquor. Best of luck and lemme know if you come up with anything!

    – Calhoun

  3. Hah, love the George Costanza life method!! I’m pretty good at 3 and 4 too, and I’ve often thought of being a consultant. I say work the “teaching as manager” angle, though, and start faking your way into CEO positions. You may as well aim high. I know George Costanza did! (And have you seen/read “I Love You Phillip Morris”?)

  4. Is that the real Marley? (I’m just going to ask that every time you post a cat picture.)

    I would like to be a professional ice cream taster. Or pie taster. Cupcake taster. I’m not picky. If you could get that going, I’ll come work for you.

  5. number 2.
    “No, that wasn’t the first thing on my mind you dirty bitches”
    hahahaha 🙂

  6. Food critic, maybe? Professional movie watcher? Dog walker maybe? Or be like George and just show up at a place for work, work there, but have no one know that you’re working there and try to blend in.

  7. Socialite? Hotel heiress? I think those professions are highly underrated. They go hand in hand with Clothing Assessment Observe-and-Reporter position…and a variation on the Nappability Expert for Serta. Good luck!

  8. I’m old school man. I just want to be a rockstar.

    Or, aren’t there people who get *paid for blogging? Hahahaha. Nah. It must be myth.

  9. Movie critic? ;p

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