These are the Daves I Know

What does this Kids in the Hall reference have to do with my post?

Nothing. That’s what.

Here’s a list of just SOME the wonderful jobs I’ve partaken in since I was but a wee lass:

1. Tim Hortons Coffee Slinger: Ah, my first job. Although I pretty much hated my boss at the time, in retrospect, that crazy-neat-freak-red-headed-doughnut-Nazi actually taught me how to run a tight ship at all of my future jobs. Always have a cleaning rag in your hands if your not busy with customers. Keep your cash register organized. The customer is always right. Except when they’re total douchebags. I once made a cup of tea for a customer in the drive through. She asked for “three milk” which is basically almost half milk, the rest hot water. The bitch came into the store and actually threw the tea at me. I stood there, lip quivering, as she berated me, screaming, I almost fucking burned her with the molten lava tea I had apparently prepared. I can attest that it was NOT hot, as I had it dripping from my face and clothing. Just as I was about to burst into full-on water works, my boss came out and told that woman, in no uncertain terms, that she was not welcome in her store again and if there was a problem, she could take it up with head office. My tea-soaked sob story had a happy ending after all! Also, I think it was the same woman that went postal about McNuggets not too long ago…

2. Tree Planter: Not the most difficult job I’ve ever had, but most definitely the itchiest and the most likely source of cancer in my life sometime in the next twenty years. I wasn’t an adventurist tree planter. I didn’t get flown into remote locations by helicopter to live in the bush for a season. Nope, I lived with my mom and dad my first summer off from university. Every morning at 4:30, I’d get picked up, drive to a tree farm, load up the truck with seedlings, drive to a field and then plant my butt off all day long. In the sun. In the rain. In the god damned clouds of black flies, no-see-ums, mosquitoes and horse flies. I went through a can of high powered bug repellent and four sandwiches a day. I lost three full pints of blood and 13 pounds.

Not me, but might as well have been. Just add more bug spray.

3. Logistics Co-ordinator and Part-Time Contributor for the Athenaeum Newspaper at Acadia University: Sounds impressive right? Actually I was a glorified paper girl. That’s right. I found the fastest and most direct routes to deliver the weekly student newspapers to all the residences, student buildings and local shops in town. I probably shouldn’t mention that I also knew the fastest route to the hidden dumpster where I occasionally tossed a few bundles of papers because I had forgotten about them in my back seat.

Decreased delivery time from 45 minutes to 30 minutes with one simple stop at a dumpster!

4. Audio Book Reader: Nothing is more awesome that getting involved in someone’s harebrained scheme. Especially when that person is paying top dollar. I once replied to an add on Craigslist-and no, not that kind of ad. I’m still here telling you the tale, aren’t I? Anyway, the ad was looking for someone with strong reading skills, a clear voice and way too much time on their hands. That summer, during a heatwave in the city of Toronto, I had nothing but time on my hands. Basically, an eccentric middle-aged man paid me to read incredibly bad text into Audacity and for about a month, I was getting paid by the word. Sadly, he smartened up and started paying me by the page, at which time I promptly quit. The “books” were really just a bunch of get-rich-quick ideas that were so poorly written I would have to go through and correct them with my red pen before reading or else I’d end up stumbling upon beauties such as,

Fortunately; for you you can seemingly make money like its oxygen in the air you breath in!

5. Website Marketer, with a Twist: Ok, here’s the one that tends to come out at parties, when I’m with my friends who love to introduce me as, “Hey this is my friend! She’s a teacher, but this one time she worked writing porn!” Now, the thing is, most of that sentence is true. Dear future employers, I guarantee you this work was ENTIRELY legit. I did NOT work MAKING porn. I also, technically did not write porn. I did, however, write descriptions of porn for porn websites. Discuss.

If I have to think of another synonym for boobs I'm gonna gouge my eye out with this feather quill.


~ by Andrea on August 30, 2010.

3 Responses to “These are the Daves I Know”

  1. I’m pretty sure you have the most eclectic resume I’ve ever seen. As a former landscaper I will say I know how much fun it is to dig holes and stick vegetation into them all day long. The best was when we had to plant ground cover, which consisted of putting a small plant every 3 or 4 inches until we’d covered anywhere from a small garden bed to a full back yard.

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