Cute Things Exploding

•September 22, 2010 • 3 Comments

So I’m a pretty big fan of all things cute.

No matter how shitty I feel, “Surprised Kitty” can make my day:

Oops, I of course meant:

Whenever I feel kind of cruddy, I take a few minutes and check him out. Or perhaps “Hamster on a Piano”. There are oodles of all things cute out there. I recently came across the You Tube channel called “Cute Things Exploding” and although mildly disturbing, it’s actually pretty sweet.

Click here to check out all manner of cuteness being blasted to smithereens!

I’ll be sure to check back in on Monday to see this weeks newest exploding cute thing!

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Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

•September 21, 2010 • 5 Comments

So now that I’m officially 30 and unemployed, I can safely say that I’m failing at life. On top of feeling like a worthless loser, I now get to sponge money from the government! Ah, well, I don’t feel that bad. I’ve paid many of my hard-earned pennies into the pogey fund, and by god, I think it’s time for a reimbursement. That being said, I still feel like a big, fat loser.

So, who’s up for beer and waffles in celebration of my first Employment Insurance cheque?

I probably shouldn't be planning anything until the cheque actually arrives...

A Day for Positive Vibes

•September 14, 2010 • 8 Comments

Do me a favour and send out some positive vibes for my old man today. He’s having an operation and although we all know he’s going to be fine, it’s still rough for anyone…

Papa Bear and Two of His Cubs.

LOVE for my Daddy!!!

Road Trip

•September 9, 2010 • 4 Comments

So, I ended up taking an improptu road trip…2200 km back to Nova Scotia. The Marley-cat and I are at Chez Parents for a bit.

Here are a few nuggets of knowledge that I learned on my trip that I’d like to pass on to you:

1. Even when I’m alone in the car, all present cats excluded, I still love to yell out the names of French towns as I pass them on the highway in Quebec. Please note, you have to do this with a very bad French accent. St. Lazare! Ste. Hyacynthe! St. Louis de Ha! Ha! it’s important to note that the last town actually exists and it actually contains those exclamation points.

Told you so...

2. Marley is a highway cat, not a town cat. Apart from a twenty minute incident getting onto the 401 in Toronto, where she quickly discovered that neither the dashboard, nor under the gas peddal are the proper places for cats on roadtrips, she was a homestar runner. Most of our journey, she spent curled up on the floor in the back seat, safely away from the windows (ie: TOO MUCH VISUAL STIMULI!). However, whenever that car slowed to under 60 clicks, she was all about being in the front seat, hoping to Jesus it was her stop.

DANGER!

3. Buying beer in gas stations is awesome.

It actually does feel like the end of the world the next day...

4. Teen Burgers from A&W taste way better in Quebec. The fountain Diet Coke, however, tastes like bong water.

Yum?

5. New Brunswick is still the bane of my existence. Even with highway improvements and new moose fences (no, really) I still swear to god that they have their own measurement system when it comes to distance. It’s like they say kilometres, but I’m pretty sure one regular kilometre is equal to four New Brunswick kilometres, so that no matter how close you think you are to a town, an exit, some sort of civilization, you sir, are sadly mistaken. It’s like the six hour drive through New Brunswick actually feels longer the cumulative distance of the entire rest of the trip. I blame Magnetic Hill-it’s not just an optical illusion. It’s also a god damned time warp.

Unless you're on your way to Quispamsis or Nauwigewauk, you are shit out of luck.

Hold Onto Your Hats, My Little Halifax

•September 2, 2010 • 4 Comments

Back in 2003, Halifax, NS bore the brunt of Hurricane Juan. It was the first time in a very long time that a hurricane had done significant damage in Nova Scotia, and a lot of people were truly unprepared for seriously intense storm that passed over the province.

I was lucky, being in Wolfville at the time. We had a shitty, rainy day, but there was virtually no damage to speak of. My sister tells another story. She was hiding under her bed in the south end of Halifax with a flash light waiting for this big, bad, blustery (go alliteration…wait I have one more) blow-hard of a storm to piss off! I remember driving up to see her a day later and being truly shocked at the damage across the city, as well as throughout some of the rural areas of the province as we drove home to our parents’ house in New Glasgow. Some folks were without electricity or phones for more than five days after the storm.

Hundreds of trees uprooted, many homes and cars damaged...

Docks, boats and shorelines f#*ked up!

Yaughts and boats tossed ashore

Hurricane Katrina it wasn’t, but for a place in the North Atlantic, some pretty significant damage, nonetheless.

Although I didn’t experience Juan firsthand, that winter I did have the displeasure of experiencing what Nova Scotians dubbed “White Juan”. It was one of the biggest snowstorms we’d seen in many, many years and I was lucky enough to be trapped at my sister’s place, without food or power, for about 2.5 days. We got over a metre of snow in less than a few hours. Her street also just happened to be one of the last streets in the city to be plowed, so we were literally trapped for days! My boyfriend at the time braved the storm at one point, since we had no food, and made what would normally be a 10 minute walk to a local pizza place. It took him over two hours in total to get there, get the food, and get back home. Later that day we spent 45 minutes getting to a friend’s house that was only three blocks away.

Can you see my car? Yeah, me neither...

Once the clean-up started you could actually walk on the sidewalks.

The next day was actually beautiful and sunny. People took over the streets.

Nuthin' like a lil ol' nor'easter ta mess up yer weekend plans.

Me circa 2004 giving White Juan a scary, alien-like finger.

Anyway, I do hope that Hurricane Earl pisses off, stops getting stronger and leaves my little home province alone. I quite enjoy the beach and trees, and I’d love to still have some around next time I’m home!

When I says piss off, I means piss off! Sorry, hurricanes bring out my East Coast accent...

Back to School

•September 1, 2010 • 7 Comments

In honour of it being September 1, I thought I’d go back in time and look at all of the incredibly horrible trends we’ve seen over the years. There is no denying it; back to school definitely equals a giant surge of shitty fashion ideas!

1. The Slap Bracelet: So I Wikipedia’ed these contraptions, mostly because I was sure they contained some sort of toxic led-related substance, but it turns out they are actually made of a stainless steel sping-thing. Interesting. Also important to note that they were invented by a teacher. I bet that guy lost his high school street cred when his fellow academics realized how annoying 24 slapping sounds, followed by that kind of weird stretchy sound they made when you straightened them out could be.

The tattoo still doesn't make it cool.

2. Hypercolours and Vuarnets: I’m not sure about your hometown, but in mine, these two staples in any middle-class kid’s wardrobe popularized around the same time. My favourite was the sweaty kids who’d wear their Hypercolours to gym class and the pre-pubescent douche bag kids that had the sleeveless Vuarnet shirts that showed off the whole side of your ribcage. Honourable mention goes to Chip-n-Pepper, those two rascally, Canadian bull dogs that made tie-dye cool for about 3 months in 1989.

Did you know that Jean Vuarnet

3. Velour Tracksuits: My favourite colours were fuchsia and lavender! Back in 2002 I went and lived as a nanny on Long Island. My neighbour Paula (Pawww-la) was the epitome of the Lawn Guyland stereotype. She was never seen without a cigarette in one hand, a giant coffee in the other, and that woman owned a rainbow of velour tracksuits which she dutifully wore each and every day while she drove her Camaro around town. Interesting note: she also actively taught her daughter to swear and to be a racist…which she later laughed about.

Get me a smoke, some coffee and my racist 7 year old daughter, STAT.

4. Can’t Hardly Wait Goggles: Maybe this was more of a summer trend than a back to school trend, but I guarantee you knew some dink that thought he was Seth Green running around in baggy clothes wearing his ski goggles as a fashion accessory in mid-August.

Best line of the movie: the jock guy gets perma-dumped and out of the silence of the shocked party-goers, someone yells FAG.


5. Raver Gear: I don’t care how awesome you thought it was, it wasn’t.

Soothers. 'Nuff said.

6. One-piece Anythings: Jumpsuits, rompers, whatever you want to call them. Unless you are under the age of four, or unless we’re talking bathing suits, you should never, ever, never, forever be caught wearing a one-piece anything. Exceptions may be made for really awesome adult-sized onsie pajamas…with a butt-flap. That is all.
Other exceptions may be made for time travellers from the 1970s.

7. The Whale Tale: Nothing says sexy like a muffin-top gently flowing over the sides of your string thong. Put that shit away, no one wants to see it. Except maybe pedophiles.

8. Ugly Shoes: Can we be over Uggs now? And Crocs? Unless you’re a sheep herder or a nurse, I just really want both of these things to go away. Faster. It’s been like five years. Can’t we go back to Spaceboots and Jelly Shoes? Please?

Make it end Kylie...make it END!

9. Big, Stupid Hair: It was cool in 80s. Teased. Frizzy. Gigantic. Then we got rid of it for a while. Then some Southern Belle came up with Bump-its and we now have to endure the matronly, bee-hive-ish, Toddlers and Tiaras look for what, another year? ENOUGH! Imagine being the short kid and having to sit behind the tall awkward girl with the even taller hairdo? Will someone please think of the short people!?!

Is that a bowling ball in your hair, or are you currently being electrocuted?

10. Condoms and Band-Aids as Accessories: Remember TLC? The band, not the channel on TV. Remember when they first came out and they used to wear GIANT, florescent pants and huge, weird, plastic-looking hats? And then they had band-aids and condoms stuck all over them? Yeah…that made perfect sense at the time…

What about your friends? Didn't they tell you this looks like a bad mushroom trip?

I can’t hardly wait (uh…) to see what exciting and idiotic trends pop up this fall!

Up-selling Your Mom

•August 31, 2010 • 11 Comments

After working for many, many moons in the food service industry, I understand the pressure to up-sell. I also had the displeasure of being pressured to up-sell in shitty retail establishments like Foot Locker. I know you don’t want a bag of tube socks or the stupid sneaker spray, but I’m obligated to ask you because my boss is watching us. FML.

I am, however, getting sick of it all. I know, I know, it’s just their job. They’re being told to do it by THE MAN…or in this particular case, WOMAN.

At the Tim Horton’s down the street there is only one lady in the drive thru that ever tries to up-sell me. I know her screechy voice and I recognize her stringy hair when I get to the window. Every morning, afternoon or evening that she’s working I get the same, lame attempt to up-sell me on a fucking apple fritter.

“Welcome to Tim Horton’s, can I help you?”

“Sure, I’d like a large steeped tea with milk.”

“Wouldn’t you like to try one of our delicious apple fritters this morning/afternoon/evening?”

“No. No I wouldn’t. Not at all. I don’t want deep-fried dough, covered in high-fructose corn syrup, dashed with some apple-flavoured chemical and more sugar. Thanks.”

Ok, so maybe the last line of that encounter hasn’t happened.

Yet.

No other people at that drive thru try to up-sell me on anything. No one ever tries pushing chocolate glazed, vanilla dips or cinnamon raisin bagels on me, either. Why is this woman obsessed with trying to sell apple fritters!?! I don’t understand. But what I do understand, and even though I might be the only person taking a stand on such a ridiculous issue, is that I’m not tipping that bitch any more.

Please stop trying to sell me your deep-fried-diarreha-looking-thing.


She can suck an apple fritter before I leave her another nickel.