In honour of it being September 1, I thought I’d go back in time and look at all of the incredibly horrible trends we’ve seen over the years. There is no denying it; back to school definitely equals a giant surge of shitty fashion ideas!
1. The Slap Bracelet: So I Wikipedia’ed these contraptions, mostly because I was sure they contained some sort of toxic led-related substance, but it turns out they are actually made of a stainless steel sping-thing. Interesting. Also important to note that they were invented by a teacher. I bet that guy lost his high school street cred when his fellow academics realized how annoying 24 slapping sounds, followed by that kind of weird stretchy sound they made when you straightened them out could be.
The tattoo still doesn't make it cool.
2. Hypercolours and Vuarnets: I’m not sure about your hometown, but in mine, these two staples in any middle-class kid’s wardrobe popularized around the same time. My favourite was the sweaty kids who’d wear their Hypercolours to gym class and the pre-pubescent douche bag kids that had the sleeveless Vuarnet shirts that showed off the whole side of your ribcage. Honourable mention goes to Chip-n-Pepper, those two rascally, Canadian bull dogs that made tie-dye cool for about 3 months in 1989.
Did you know that Jean Vuarnet
3. Velour Tracksuits: My favourite colours were fuchsia and lavender! Back in 2002 I went and lived as a nanny on Long Island. My neighbour Paula (Pawww-la) was the epitome of the Lawn Guyland stereotype. She was never seen without a cigarette in one hand, a giant coffee in the other, and that woman owned a rainbow of velour tracksuits which she dutifully wore each and every day while she drove her Camaro around town. Interesting note: she also actively taught her daughter to swear and to be a racist…which she later laughed about.
Get me a smoke, some coffee and my racist 7 year old daughter, STAT.
4. Can’t Hardly Wait Goggles: Maybe this was more of a summer trend than a back to school trend, but I guarantee you knew some dink that thought he was Seth Green running around in baggy clothes wearing his ski goggles as a fashion accessory in mid-August.
Best line of the movie: the jock guy gets perma-dumped and out of the silence of the shocked party-goers, someone yells FAG.
5. Raver Gear
: I don’t care how awesome you thought it was, it wasn’t.
Soothers. 'Nuff said.
6. One-piece Anythings: Jumpsuits, rompers, whatever you want to call them. Unless you are under the age of four, or unless we’re talking bathing suits, you should never, ever, never, forever be caught wearing a one-piece anything. Exceptions may be made for really awesome adult-sized onsie pajamas…with a butt-flap. That is all.
7. The Whale Tale: Nothing says sexy like a muffin-top gently flowing over the sides of your string thong. Put that shit away, no one wants to see it. Except maybe pedophiles.
8. Ugly Shoes: Can we be over Uggs now? And Crocs? Unless you’re a sheep herder or a nurse, I just really want both of these things to go away. Faster. It’s been like five years. Can’t we go back to Spaceboots and Jelly Shoes? Please?
Make it end Kylie...make it END!
9. Big, Stupid Hair: It was cool in 80s. Teased. Frizzy. Gigantic. Then we got rid of it for a while. Then some Southern Belle came up with Bump-its and we now have to endure the matronly, bee-hive-ish, Toddlers and Tiaras look for what, another year? ENOUGH! Imagine being the short kid and having to sit behind the tall awkward girl with the even taller hairdo? Will someone please think of the short people!?!
Is that a bowling ball in your hair, or are you currently being electrocuted?
10. Condoms and Band-Aids as Accessories: Remember TLC? The band, not the channel on TV. Remember when they first came out and they used to wear GIANT, florescent pants and huge, weird, plastic-looking hats? And then they had band-aids and condoms stuck all over them? Yeah…that made perfect sense at the time…
What about your friends? Didn't they tell you this looks like a bad mushroom trip?
I can’t hardly wait (uh…) to see what exciting and idiotic trends pop up this fall!